Oh Fuck!

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Sir Alex Ferguson? Sir Alex will still be able to play his Giggs this summer!

NEWS FLASH!

Reports that Michael Jackson died of a heart attack are incorrect. Apparently he was found in a childrens ward having a stroke!

Sports News

Jockeys all over the world will today wear black armbands in respect for Michael Jackson who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anybody else in living history!

Tee hee

Apparently Michael Jackson died of an heart attack when he found out "Boys to Men" were a pop band and not a delivery service!

Here they come!

Being that Michael Jacksons body was 90% plastic, his family have decided not to give him a conventional funeral but to melt him down and turn him into "Lego" bricks so that children can still play with him!

Oh No!

A spokesman for Michael Jackson has said that the star had been looking forward to his upcoming dates.......Jeremy aged 5 Tony aged 7 and Peter aged 4.

They Get worse!

News is coming in that Michael Jacksons heart attack was brought on by him tripping on a childs push chair, a spokesman for Jackson commented that he was not prepared to " BLAME IT ON THE BUGGY!"

Oldies but Goldies

In Michael Jackson's will he had requested that his ashes be interred into an "Etch-O-Sketch" so the Kids could continue to play with him!

Uncle Dick and Aunty Mable

fainted at the breakfast table.

Let that be a solemn warning

not to have sex in the morning.

Cousin Frankie home from school

picked up baby by the tool.

Father yelled "Now master Francis, don't spoil baby's fucking chances!"

LIMERICKS

There was a young man from Belgrave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.
He must have found pluck to have a good fuck
but think of the money he saved!

The Popes New bird

Here's a new gal I met on the South coast recently.

Chas Windsor at work

Chas Windsor undertakes his new career in muff diving on some unsuspecting bird.

This is what the Fonz thinks of the Pope

Q.E.JEW?

My first time

It was my first time ever and I'll never forget,
I'd do it again without a single regret.
The sky was dark we were all alone,
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft and her legs so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how but I tried my best,
I started by placing my hand on her breast.
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart as slowly she spread her legs wide apart.
And as I did it I felt no shame and all it once the white stuff came.
At last it was finished, it was all over now
My first time I ever
tried milking a cow!

ACCIDENT

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins today, police said "It was a Turtle tragedy !"

Blow this

Mrs Smith comes home and finds her husband with a hair dryer blowing on his cock. She asks, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "Warming up your dinner!"

WELCOME TO "GOLLIWOOD!"

Boxing news.

The African boxer Mongo Wogchops has successfully returned to the ring having lost both legs in a car accident last year. His pro record now stands at 10 wins without defeet!

A fishy story.....

Paddys wife has a tattoo of a sea shell on top of her thigh. Paddy says, "It's amazing, if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!"

The Parrot

A woman looks in a pet shop window and see's a sign saying, "Parrot £200:00, Parrot £100:00, Parrot £15:00." Woman enquires,"Why is that one only £15:00?" Shopkeeper replies, "Oh, he used to live in a brothel and can be crude." Woman finds that funny and buys the £15:00 parrot. She gets him home and he squawks, "Fuck me it's a new brothel!" Woman laughs. Her 2 daughters walk in and the parrot squaks, "Oh fuck me, here's two new prostitutes!" The woman and the girls roar with laughter. The womans husband walks in and the parrot squawks, "Fuck me Keith, I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks!"

Name the owner !

Gordon Brown goes for Ruby!

Gordon Brown seen here leaving the "Dehli Delight" Indian Restaurant recently, it looks like he had a Phall!

Dumb and Dumber?

The state of the Vatican in 2008.

Oh no, a familiar story!

As Jonathon King said to a 9 year old boy.....

Words of wisdom from Seamus O' Connor

Tee shirts that should have been printed.

Mrs Thatcher at home

Paddy bird mania.

Paddy girl believes that her boyfriend is two timing her so she gets a gun and bursts into his flat. She finds him in a passionate embrace with a mystery buxom blonde. She points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells "No, darling don't do it!" Paddy girl replies, "You can shut the fuck up because you're next!"

Essex girls

Two Essex girls walking down the street one day and one notices an expensive compact on the footpath. She opens it up and looks in the mirror then sighs, " Hmmm, this person looks familiar!" The second girl says, "Here, let me have a look." So the first girl hands her the compact. The second girl looks at it and shouts, "You stupid bitch, it's me!"

Paddy Joke

What did the Irish girl say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

It's The CANCER COUSINS !

Take a couple of moments staring at this vile picture and you will be in danger of contracting various killer illness's. To prevent this from happening all you have to do is spit at the picture as soon as you see it and you will be safe until your next viewing!

In the beginning there was.....

A Vile old cunt.

And then there were.......

Two vile old cunts!

FILMS !

See this hilarious new movie which tells the gripping story of Sid James catching cancer, or, did cancer catch Sid? See it at a morgue near you now!

QUISINE

COME DINE AT THE DOVERCOURT CARAVAN SITE'S EXCLUSIVE EATERIE..."THE FASCIST FISH BAR !" Remember our motto,

S.S. "SECRET SUPPER'S!"

Find us at 2001 Fronks Lane, Dovercourt, Essex.

Old Whore!

Note the "double chin!"

A future Pope or Papette?

'Orrible little git!

Happy Easter readers

They get worse!

(Anne Robinson on The weakest link.) Paddy, can you tell me the name of Noah's wife?

(Paddy replies.) Indeed Oi can Annie, her name was "Joan of Ark!"

A messy joke

Two Rats in a sewer, first one says to the second, "I am fucking sick of it down here, all you get to eat is shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, and shit for tea!"

Second one replies, "Cheer up mate, we'll go on the piss later!"

These are factual complaints.

These are some genuine complaints registered at the local council office to us here at truth publications.

1) My bush us really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it!

2)My neighbour has a huge tool which vibrates the entire house and I just cannot take anymore of it.

3)It's my neighbours dog mess which I find hard to swallow.

4)I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off!

5)My father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6)My next door neighbours son contiually bangs his balls against my bush.

7)I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8) The bog is blocked and we cannot bath the kids until it is cleared.

9) Will you please send a man to check my water as it is a strange colour and not fit to drink.

10) Our toilet has broken in half and is now in three bits!

11) I wish to complain about the farmer down the road, every morning at 6 a.m. his large cock wakes me up and it is getting too much for me to handle!

12) The bloke next door has a huge erection in his back garden which is unsightly and very dangerous.

13) Our kitchen is very damp and we have two kids and want a third, my husband can't do anything about it so can you send a man round who can?

14) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, could you please do something about the bloke on top of me every night?

15) Please send me a man with the right tool to finish the job!

16) I have had the clerk of the works down six times this week but still have no satisfaction.

17) Just to let you know my lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get B.B.C. 2!

FFFFFFFFFFUCKK

A play on words

Very popular down in the big cities

Mr. Men for inner cities

Oops!

Got one of these down YOUR way?

Wot?

And to continue a good run...

Hmmm

HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!

FUCKING VIOLENT THUGS!

What a pair of dirty bastards!

Who am I mate?

Miserable Cunt

A cross between Bozzle & Harry?

Gum diss vay zerr!

Fucking good reading for the kids at bedtime innit?

More From our Ethnic community!

Perv's

It's a very Frank game

Spot the Dog !

On the game

Bad Service.

What the fuck is going on with Blogger? I can't up load any fucking pictures lately!

Need we say more?

All agree?

J.P 2 Confession time...again!

Joke 20010 One for the footie fans out there.

A black prostitute who supports Chelsea F.C. has a tattoo of Frank Lampard on her left thigh and one of John Terry on her right thigh. She picks up a client one day and tells him, "If you can name the footballers that I have tattooed on my thighs, I will give you a free shag." The client looks at the left picture and then the right picture and says disdainfully, "Well I don't recognise the ugly bastard on the right and I am miffed as to who the pratt is on the left but the one in the middle with the thick black lips and curly black hair is positively Shaun Wright Phillips!"

The Vatican army.

The infamous "Vatican army" assemble as usual at Vatican F.C. (Fat cunts) ground last Saturday afternoon to lead choruses of, "The referee's a wanker, and "Stand up if you hate protties." They were all later arrested and charged with being over weight and foreign.

What's new?

More queer stories!

Elton John and David Furnish are in bed one night and Elton says,"I am just going to the loo David,don't you dare wank yourself off while I am gone." When Elton returns there is come all over the room. Elton storms, "David, I thought I told you not to masturbate while I was gone!" David replies, "I didn't, I just farted!"

Whoops !

Little Johnny in the bath with his mum, he points to her fanny and says" What's that funny hairy thing mum?" Mum replies, "OOOh it's my sponge darling."
Johnny says, " Of course it is, I 've often seen Dad wiping his face on Aunty Sandra's one!"

Pigs

A front and rear view of the average nurse from any British hosptal.

Fakespear !

Pope Crackhead the 200th, feigns a weak disguise as William Shakespear as he openly flaunts his 25th joint of the day.

More drug abuse.

Pope Louis 11xx flaunts his drug use with a mega spliff in his fingers and a Rizla, licked and perched on his lip ready for rolling another....disgraceful old perv'.

John Paul reveals all !

John Paul 2 with frigid wife. Well she would be frigid, she's been dead for more than 10 years.

They are fucking well all at it !

Just look at these Papal pervs, two spliffs going at a time!

Call this thing a Prick.

Prick?

Oh crap !

An African man decides to look up his family tree and a Chimpanzee shits on his face !

An appeal from The Pope.

Zabou is a ten year old orphan African boy who has only one leg and only one arm. Every day he has to cycle twenty five miles to get his villages' fresh water. For a donation of just £2:50 you can download the video.....it's fucking hilarious !

A joke number 3582

A white girl meets a black bloke in a disco and agrees to go back to his place. They dash off to the bedroom and she slams the door closed and pants, "Come on, prove to me that what they say about black men is true!" So he pulls out a knife and mugs her !

Pisshead and Faggie

MORE PROOF

Say no fucking more man,say no more!

Old cunt !

Perversion in the Vatican.

Politics today.

Caught again!

Spot the Pope !

How low can this man sink?

Equestrian news.

This is just one way of "riding a horse" says J.P.2.

J.P.2.When he was a little girl.