Well its a bit late but Happy New Year to all. And  Happy Harmonica to all my Jewish readers.

WELL I have to say that the new world media have drowned my protests against them.  I have complained and complained about this but they continually drown out my protests. They have even spread the rumour around that I am dead!  THE FUCKIN' BASTARDS! Who can you trust if those around you are working against you? I tell you, myself and JP2  are still alive...  they are keeping us shut up in a basement in the Vatican.  As I said to this poor bearded bloke who I only know as Osama.. "What the fuck is going on? When will they let us out?"   Poor Mr Osama said " They think I am dead".

Well that may be a falsehood.  Mr Osama was 'taken' away this morning for a breakfast with some nice people who wanted only to speak with him about his involvement with the CIA who funded his little group and wanted to know where the funds had gone.  A little bit like Father Ted where the funds were 'Just resting in his account'  or so you could imagine.

Nice people, these CIA blokes.

As Mother Teresa says... 

Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world. Or even this cunt.

....................................

Goodbye Voyager!

Re- posted from the Independent...    I bow my head to this little chap, he's gone far beyond what has been asked of him and now he's heading out into the unknown!  What a great bit of kit!

"It is the furthest man-made object in space. It has travelled more than 11 billion miles since it was launched nearly 36 years ago. And now Voyager 1 has boldly gone where no spacecraft has gone before – it has left the outer reaches of the Solar System.

It is the furthest man-made object in space. It has travelled more than 11 billion miles since it was launched nearly 36 years ago. And now Voyager 1 has boldly gone where no spacecraft has gone before – it has left the outer reaches of the Solar System.
After several years of debate over whether the Voyager 1 probe, launched in September 1977, has crossed the cosmic-equivalent of the doldrums separating the Solar System from interstellar space, scientists believe the spacecraft has finally travelled beyond the influence of the Sun.
Voyager 1, the second of a pair of twin space probes, was launched in the same year that Elvis died, Donna Summer reached number 1 with “I Feel Love” and the Sex Pistols began to shock the suburbs.
It was originally designed to explore nearby planets but after a string of important discoveries, including the observations of active volcanoes on Jupiter’s moon Io and the rings of Saturn, the Voyager 1 mission was extended. Meanwhile, Voyager 2 went on to the more distant planets of Uranus and Neptune.
Scientists believe that Voyager 1, which was launched after Voyager 2 but has now overtaken it in terms of its distance from the Earth, has left a region of space known as the heliosphere, which is dominated by the stream of energetic particles emanating from the Sun called the solar wind.
Measurements taken on 25 August last year, but published online now in the journal Geophysical Research Letters, reveal that Voyager 1 underwent dramatic changes in its exposure to radiation levels. Scientists said that their measurements changed “suddenly and decisively”.
The anomalous cosmic rays trapped in the outer heliosphere of the Solar System all but vanished – dropping to less than 1 per cent of previous amounts – while galactic cosmic rays from deep space spiked to twice the highest intensities previously seen. Bill Webber, professor of astronomy at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces, said the data suggests that Voyager 1 has entered a new region of space that no probe has visited before – a signal that it has finally left the Solar System and is about to enter interstellar space.
“Within just a few days, the heliospheric intensity of trapped radiation decreased, and the cosmic ray intensity went up as you would expect if it had exited the heliosphere,” Professor Webber said. “It’s outside the normal heliosphere. We’re in a new region. Everything we’re measuring is different and exciting,” he said.
The latest results suggest that Voyager 1 has jumped off the “heliocliff”, Professor Webber added, and entered a region where the solar wind blows no more and can no longer protect the space probe from the intense cosmic radiation of deep space.
However, Ed Stone, Voyager project scientist at Caltech in California, said that the probe is still probably within the Solar System. “It is the consensus of the Voyager science team that Voyager 1 has not yet left the Solar System or reached interstellar space…. A change in the direction of the magnetic field is the last critical indicator of reaching interstellar space and that change of direction has not yet been observed.”
Voyager 1 carries a gold-plated copper disc carrying images and sounds from Earth, including greetings in 55 languages and a humpback whale song."

Re-posted from Old Knudsen's blog, witty yet so true!

Getting a bit annoyed at the usage of the word 'serious' in the media and with the police. You have the 'Serious crime unit' as opposed to the 'Just messing about mate crime unit' should we not all be agreed that crime is generally a serious thing?
Someone breaking into a garden shed and stealing a lawn mower is pretty serious to the home owner who will be on alert at every little sound and stressed out that their home is not safe.  Will the criminal stop at a lawn mower next time?

I just read the words 'Serious sex assault' in the news. "I'm sorry miss, we can't take your rape seriously as the rapist only open handed slapped you into submission you were not punched, look at her there, she was punched and kicked, now that is serious... you were probably asking for it anyway."

Less of the belittling of events by using the word serious, all crime is serious so lets stamp it out before it becomes more serious.

Just in from my young ''chicken' in Vatican Square; apparently THIS is the cunt who they have put in my place! FUCK! I do not recognise  this arsehole!  I still remember that stint I did on 'Bullseye'. OK, I may have thrown a few darts a bit to the left of centre, but I put it down to all the essential medication I am on. God bless Jack Daniels!. I swear that I will find that bastard and kick him right in the cassock where the sun don't shine. He must really have something against me. Alright, I admit that set fire to his robe in the Bar Del Fico and it burned his ringpiece but I thought that we were all brothers together! 

I have lost all faith in my fellow Vats.  Those bastards will have to pay for all of my porn stash which they burned.  It seems that all they care about is Dart board scores.  Fuckem.

THE NEW POPE?  Not this cunt! This is the bastard what shut me in the broom cupboard in the first place! 

SORRY about all the white smoke, people. Nothing to worry about; Cardinal Sin dropped his ganja stash on the fire.  He's fuckin' fuming.

Nothing more to say about this really!

MUCH as I admire all this stuff in the press about my old mate 'Bendydick' resigning, I feel that I have to put you all straight on one or two points. They just shut me in a broom cupboard in one of the back rooms and fed me bread and Ritz crackers to keep me alive. I could have coped with that but the only thing they gave me to drink was fuckin' Coca Cola. OH HOW I hate that shit! It rotted my gums!

1. I never died, those bastards in the Vatican didn't like my 'alternative views' on child care.

2. They brought in Bendydick, who didn't bother to do ANYTHING to help our church's finances, in fact he curtailed a lot of our income by banning the ice cream salesmen from Vatican Square (from which we had a nice bit of financial cream-off)

3. Bendydick, upon my returning to my chambers I had found had got all my old porn stash and cut all the tits off the really horny birds - he must have been some sort of homo

4. All the records of my dealings with our nice Italian family are now just a heap of fuckin' ashes in the fireplace.  What a CUNT! He must have had a friggin' field day burning all that shit, I can only think that it must have been fuckin' cold and he needed to keep warm.  Fuck that, I told those bastards years ago to install central heating but WOULD THEY LISTEN TO ME???

5. Found a heap of newspaper cuttings on the floor pertaining to child abuse.

6. Sorting through the heap, found a photo of my favourite bird and it was stiff with an unknown substance. I'll kill that cunt Bendydick!

RIGHT!  I tell you that I AM BACK!  I AM THE ONE AND ONLY POPE! Ignore all false Gods.......

The Pontiff Is back! After a very long sabbatical I feel that I am well versed to give you bastards a kick up the arse! (thank you, Father Ted!)

Oh Fuck!

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Sir Alex Ferguson? Sir Alex will still be able to play his Giggs this summer!

NEWS FLASH!

Reports that Michael Jackson died of a heart attack are incorrect. Apparently he was found in a childrens ward having a stroke!

Sports News

Jockeys all over the world will today wear black armbands in respect for Michael Jackson who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anybody else in living history!

Tee hee

Apparently Michael Jackson died of an heart attack when he found out "Boys to Men" were a pop band and not a delivery service!

Here they come!

Being that Michael Jacksons body was 90% plastic, his family have decided not to give him a conventional funeral but to melt him down and turn him into "Lego" bricks so that children can still play with him!

Oh No!

A spokesman for Michael Jackson has said that the star had been looking forward to his upcoming dates.......Jeremy aged 5 Tony aged 7 and Peter aged 4.

They Get worse!

News is coming in that Michael Jacksons heart attack was brought on by him tripping on a childs push chair, a spokesman for Jackson commented that he was not prepared to " BLAME IT ON THE BUGGY!"

Oldies but Goldies

In Michael Jackson's will he had requested that his ashes be interred into an "Etch-O-Sketch" so the Kids could continue to play with him!

Uncle Dick and Aunty Mable

fainted at the breakfast table.

Let that be a solemn warning

not to have sex in the morning.

Cousin Frankie home from school

picked up baby by the tool.

Father yelled "Now master Francis, don't spoil baby's fucking chances!"

LIMERICKS

There was a young man from Belgrave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.
He must have found pluck to have a good fuck
but think of the money he saved!

Chas Windsor at work

Chas Windsor undertakes his new career in muff diving on some unsuspecting bird.

This is what the Fonz thinks of the Pope

My first time

It was my first time ever and I'll never forget,
I'd do it again without a single regret.
The sky was dark we were all alone,
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft and her legs so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how but I tried my best,
I started by placing my hand on her breast.
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart as slowly she spread her legs wide apart.
And as I did it I felt no shame and all it once the white stuff came.
At last it was finished, it was all over now
My first time I ever
tried milking a cow!

ACCIDENT

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins today, police said "It was a Turtle tragedy !"

Blow this

Mrs Smith comes home and finds her husband with a hair dryer blowing on his cock. She asks, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "Warming up your dinner!"

Boxing news.

The African boxer Mongo Wogchops has successfully returned to the ring having lost both legs in a car accident last year. His pro record now stands at 10 wins without defeet!

A fishy story.....

Paddys wife has a tattoo of a sea shell on top of her thigh. Paddy says, "It's amazing, if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!"

The Parrot

A woman looks in a pet shop window and see's a sign saying, "Parrot £200:00, Parrot £100:00, Parrot £15:00." Woman enquires,"Why is that one only £15:00?" Shopkeeper replies, "Oh, he used to live in a brothel and can be crude." Woman finds that funny and buys the £15:00 parrot. She gets him home and he squawks, "Fuck me it's a new brothel!" Woman laughs. Her 2 daughters walk in and the parrot squaks, "Oh fuck me, here's two new prostitutes!" The woman and the girls roar with laughter. The womans husband walks in and the parrot squawks, "Fuck me Keith, I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks!"

Name the owner !

Gordon Brown goes for Ruby!

Gordon Brown seen here leaving the "Dehli Delight" Indian Restaurant recently, it looks like he had a Phall!

Dumb and Dumber?

Words of wisdom from Seamus O' Connor

Tee shirts that should have been printed.

Mrs Thatcher at home

Paddy bird mania.

Paddy girl believes that her boyfriend is two timing her so she gets a gun and bursts into his flat. She finds him in a passionate embrace with a mystery buxom blonde. She points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells "No, darling don't do it!" Paddy girl replies, "You can shut the fuck up because you're next!"

Essex girls

Two Essex girls walking down the street one day and one notices an expensive compact on the footpath. She opens it up and looks in the mirror then sighs, " Hmmm, this person looks familiar!" The second girl says, "Here, let me have a look." So the first girl hands her the compact. The second girl looks at it and shouts, "You stupid bitch, it's me!"

Paddy Joke

What did the Irish girl say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

It's The CANCER COUSINS !

Take a couple of moments staring at this vile picture and you will be in danger of contracting various killer illness's. To prevent this from happening all you have to do is spit at the picture as soon as you see it and you will be safe until your next viewing!

In the beginning there was.....

A Vile old cunt.

And then there were.......

Two vile old cunts!

FILMS !

See this hilarious new movie which tells the gripping story of Sid James catching cancer, or, did cancer catch Sid? See it at a morgue near you now!

QUISINE

COME DINE AT THE DOVERCOURT CARAVAN SITE'S EXCLUSIVE EATERIE..."THE FASCIST FISH BAR !" Remember our motto,

S.S. "SECRET SUPPER'S!"

Find us at 2001 Fronks Lane, Dovercourt, Essex.

Old Whore!

Note the "double chin!"

A future Pope or Papette?

'Orrible little git!

Happy Easter readers

They get worse!

(Anne Robinson on The weakest link.) Paddy, can you tell me the name of Noah's wife?

(Paddy replies.) Indeed Oi can Annie, her name was "Joan of Ark!"

A messy joke

Two Rats in a sewer, first one says to the second, "I am fucking sick of it down here, all you get to eat is shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, and shit for tea!"

Second one replies, "Cheer up mate, we'll go on the piss later!"

These are factual complaints.

These are some genuine complaints registered at the local council office to us here at truth publications.

1) My bush us really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it!

2)My neighbour has a huge tool which vibrates the entire house and I just cannot take anymore of it.

3)It's my neighbours dog mess which I find hard to swallow.

4)I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off!

5)My father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6)My next door neighbours son contiually bangs his balls against my bush.

7)I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8) The bog is blocked and we cannot bath the kids until it is cleared.

9) Will you please send a man to check my water as it is a strange colour and not fit to drink.

10) Our toilet has broken in half and is now in three bits!

11) I wish to complain about the farmer down the road, every morning at 6 a.m. his large cock wakes me up and it is getting too much for me to handle!

12) The bloke next door has a huge erection in his back garden which is unsightly and very dangerous.

13) Our kitchen is very damp and we have two kids and want a third, my husband can't do anything about it so can you send a man round who can?

14) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, could you please do something about the bloke on top of me every night?

15) Please send me a man with the right tool to finish the job!

16) I have had the clerk of the works down six times this week but still have no satisfaction.

17) Just to let you know my lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get B.B.C. 2!

FFFFFFFFFFUCKK

A play on words

Very popular down in the big cities

Mr. Men for inner cities

Oops!

Got one of these down YOUR way?

Wot?

And to continue a good run...

Hmmm

HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!

FUCKING VIOLENT THUGS!

What a pair of dirty bastards!

Who am I mate?